My Macho Problem

By July, things were bad in a way I didn't know existed. Max was doing poorly at Prospects. He did violent things every day, which meant that I had to go there EVERY DAY to have a meeting with Max, Dr. E. and often an additional staff member. these were know as "unsafe meetings".

We did a worksheet together to break down the incident, its results and consequences, and what Max could have done differently. For the first week, every meeting went like this:
Staff: Max, what happened?
Max: I threw all that stuff across the room at Jared.
Staff: How do you think that made Jared feel?
Max: I don't know.
Staff: How did you feel?
Max: I felt like throwing stuff.
Staff: What could you have done differently?
Max: I don't know.

Then Max learned that his answers were wrong. He should have said that Jared probably felt sad or mad or embarrassed. Then he could say that he felt sad or mad. The correct answer to the last question is "I could tell staff how I feel" or, alternatively, "I could take space". Taking space meant going into a large three-sided wooden box in the corner of the room where there was a pillow. They told Max it was a good place to relax, or take a break, or even hit the pillow. Sometimes they'd leave a couple of markers and some paper so that kids could express themselves artistically. Mostly the paper got torn up and the markers pitched across the room.

The only good thing about their summer program was that kids got to go swimming at the Wilton YMCA. That is, unless they'd been unsafe, in which case they stayed in the room and did worksheets about their feelings. Swimming was the only thing I could say that Max liked. He really loved it, but almost never got to go while at Prospects. So I'd take him to our pool club in the late afternoon. It made me feel like a regular mom with a regular kid. But we weren't regular at all.

I told Dr. E. that it seemed not to be working. Max's behavior was getting more and more dangerous, and Dr. L had mentioned hospitalization, so maybe...
She told me things weren't bad enough, with an oddly broad smile. I thought I was at my breaking point, and then felt ashamed about that. If she said this wasn't that bad, then maybe the problem was me. Maybe I had to be tougher. For a mom with a macho problem, this was like a dare. How much can you take, Sam? You think this is bad? He's only five, what's wrong with you that you can't handle a five year old?

Max was on four different medications that summer...Concerta, Abilify, Depakote, Seroquel. He happily swallowed the handfuls of pills I was giving him. I was becoming a pediatric psychiatric nurse, with a patient load of just one.

Meanwhile, kindergarten was approaching. The dog lady had given us the wildly incorrect advice that we just couldn't put Max in public school. They wouldn't know what to do with him, no one would help us. She had us running scared. We'd run to the Jewish day school in town, which had an abysmal reputation for helping children who were imperfect. They were rumored to have no tolerance for children with learning disabilities, behavior issues, or physical limitations. But now they had a new headmaster, and he was going to change all that.

Radical Jewish Parenting- an introduction to some ideas

What if you never offered your kid an incentive or a punishment? What if every time you wanted your child to do something, you had a conversation about it?  What might happen? The "parenting experts" claim it would be chaos.  Kids would have no boundaries, which we're told that they need.  Kids wouldn't know right from wrong, and they'd never make the correct choice.
Judaism has this concept, or pair of concepts, really.  We believe that a person has a yetzer tov (a good inclination) and a yetzer hara (an evil inclination).  All people have both, and therefore we are all prone to the pressures in the world which might make us choose good or evil.  The Rabbis taught that we must find a way to fulfill our evil inclination, but that it should be channeled.  The common example of this is that a violent man should become a butcher, which would help him to fulfill his yetzer hara without doing harm.  A person who desires fame above all else should be encouraged to donate money to his community; the recognition he receives for his donations might fulfill his urge for fame while doing good.
I assert that we can appeal either to the yetzer hara or the yetzer tov, and that we should be appealing to the yetzer tov whenever possible.  When soliciting money for a cause, the primary method should be pointing out the good in the world such a donation would create.  Secondary to that should be the free tote bag.
When we teach our children, we might appeal to their yetzer tov by pointing out the good in what we are asking them to do.  I'd like Henry, my 6 year old, to pick up his Legos because it makes it easier for everyone to walk through the room when the toys are clear.  I'd like him to help a friend because it's the right thing to do, and makes us all feel good when we can help one another.  He does not receive starts on a chart or a sticker for these acts, because that would be appealing to his yetzer hara.  Furthermore, if I threaten him that I will take away the Legos, I am again activating the yetzer hara, by inviting him to fight with me.
I discussed this concept with a very nice Modern Orthodox rabbi recently, who felt that external rewards are the only way to get children "in the habit" of doing good acts.  He had mentioned, in the course of our conversation, that he is a baal teshuvah, so I had to ask why he ever started putting on tefillin.  Did someone offer him a prize?  He pointed up, and said "that's where I get my reward".  Having proven my point, he continued to insist that children need external rewards, such a small slips of paper signed by a rabbi, to encourage them to help a friend.
This very kind, thoughtful rabbi, having spent years in Jewish education, told me that he'd never heard these ideas, and they were quite radical to him.  Thus, radical Jewish parenting.
What do you think? What works for you with your kids? How nervous does it make you to take the whole reward/consequence system out of the picture?